Talking at a person who no longer exists.

Who are you?
How on earth did I let myself get to be this person?! Sometimes I look at this photo and all I can do is try to fight back the tears and I get so angry. SO angry. That I let myself get to be this big. And this isn't HUGE, when comparing to other people in this expansive population that this world contains. But for me? This IS big. Ugh! How depressing. How.... how sad to think that I used to walk around in this body. It's bothersome. It drives me mad. And to think, I was blissfully unaware that this was what I truly looked like. It's only now, that I have lost 60lbs, and I look at this photo of myself, do I truly see me for what I was. And Who I was, and the weight I carried. Its..... I just want to scream. And find a blown up photo of this person, and give it hell! Beat it up, just rip it to shreds. I told my trainer at one point, that I feel like I'm deleting this person. That I won't truly be able to flourish until she is completely gone. This person. Was the reason I had no confidence, I was insecure, and still am to this day because in the back of my mind, I still think like I did when I was her, even if I have these daily moments where my life is a dream. And I really AM doing it this time!! She needs to go away, and I wont stop until I see absolutely no trace of her, whatsoever.

Flabbergasted.

I signed into my old youtube account. For whatever reason, I cant remember. And since I was signed into it, as I opened up my blogger, (for whatever reason, I cant remember)I was directed to my really old blog account that was attached to the same google user as my youtube account. The blog account I made to track my first weight loss attempt after moving to Seattle. I have been wanting to find a photo of me showing skin at my worse. For a few weeks now actually. Cause I thought it would be fun to compare. And when I started looking thru this blog, I forgot I was doing daily photo updates. In the same fashion I am now. I had my comparison photo. But as I looked through these photos, I got really sad. I got sad for the person in the photo. I thought I was happy back then, but if you look in my eyes, I dont look happy. It could be attributed to being tired. I do remember being fairly tired back then, I think. I dont even know. But, I got sad. The only time I smiled after discovering these photos was when I did the comparison line.... 195-175-140-ish. I say 140 though.

I texted my trainer, and told her about my discovery. I then confessed to a moment not too long ago where I got really angry at myself. I got angry because I feel guilt, for letting myself go. For giving up on myself. I mean, you grow up playing sports as I did, and being active, always in some sport or another. I would run everyday after school and my friends on the softball team at one point yelled to me to stop running cause I had been running for like 2hrs. An hour, whatever it was. But that wasnt uncommon. Not back then. I could play a basketball game, go straight to a soccer game, play all 90, and then go home and go for a 4mile run because i had a run during the soccer game where I felt like my legs were disconnecting from my body and i kicked the ball out. So, to get even, I went for a run. I mean, I could do that, piece of cake! To go from that, to what, nothing? Being a spectator? Anyway, I dont need to drag this out. I'm just thankful I rediscovered my old blog and can get the full range of change. :)

Here's the line:

Continuum

Now that I think about it... FIVE months? That's almost half a year! WOOO! Ummm... that means I'm going to rip myself apart at the gym this week. Really get a good workout in everyday. I'll take a lil break, but will work thru to about 8 or 9, and then head to the gym on my way home and shred it. Esp since I'm not very happy with my transition from the 3rd month to the 4th month. It looks like i actually gained a bit :( I suppose it all depends where you have your waist of the bottoms you are wearing.

OH! And last night I went to study at a coffee shop without my binder on. My "compression tank top". It holds everything in. And what that means: I'm starting to not see the need for the binder. My sports bra keeps my chest flat enough and my love handles dont really show too much thru my shirt. So. Thats crazy though. I have needed to wear a binder for 3yrs. I've noticed that my stretch marks on my handles have not gone away. I wonder if they ever will. Anyway. my goal is by december to have my excess gone. Hopefully. I need to kick my ass though. And now that I'm working this schedule, I can get to the gym and get my ass kicking in easily. So. I'm feeling good about this actually! Woo! Love it!!

Alright. I think that was all I wanted to say. Soon, this will be posted.

Upper-Arm Flab

Not really. But there is a conveniently placed mirror where I change into and out of my swimsuit when I go to layout on my lunch break and i was bending over today, and the flab from the front of my stomach really reminded me of the extra skin that hangs down from older people's tricep area.... lol. Thought that was humorous. But, that also means that there is not a lot left! So.... I've decided. Tired or not, im going to power through another month or two of crazy exercising. Currently I'm not getting in as much as I would hope because of the fact that I'm very tired lately. Its no fun! But, power through it. Really try to breathe and rest on my days off, and get rid of the last bit! I'm starting to get excited and feel good about myself and the progress i've made when I look in the mirror and see not much is still there. It's go time! I have a mix that should help with this, actually! Not sure its recommending, but definitely gives you that extra pump and with a bosu ball at home now, I can wake up and do my core workout! Awwwww shibby! :P

Beautiful day, maybe I should go for a run. Wait! Dope! Can't run far on concrete yet! :( Till next time! AKA in three days! Ciao!

Changes:

So i dont seem like such a hard ass. I can never admit that im proud or i notice a change in myself when the person wants me to because then it gives me reason to 'celebrate' AKA, lose focus. But I thought i would write this down.

-The shape of my hands are becoming more defined.
-My fingers are thinner.
-My neck, is thinner.
-The hump on my back has decreased in size.
-More veins are becoming visible.
-My collar bones, are starting to show.
-My upper leg, when held up, looks MUCH thinner.
-I can see where my shoulder ends and my tri/bicep begins.
-My love handles feel smaller, but look the same.
-The front flab of my stomach isn't quite as plentiful as before.
-I feel like my face has changed, but im not sure.
-It's becoming increasingly harder for me to form a double chin.
-I started at a size 34, and am now struggling to keep up a size 31.
-My arms, when flexed, feel more firm.
-I can see the different muscles on the side view of my lower leg.
-I was stretching last night and looking in the mirror at my legs, yeah, they are definitely more defined... lol
-My energy, when rested, is 10x higher than it ever has been.
-I think in general, my body is becoming more defined.


So, i have admited to this at this stage. But that does not mean there is no more to gain. I have A LOT more to gain. Am I proud of myself? Sometimes im so overwhelmed i start to cry. But, I get right back into the mind set that I still have SO much yet to achieve! I can't back down now. It would be the death of me.

Cheers!

My promise to myself

Last night, I made a vow with myself. That vow was: I cannot sway off my diet until I see my 6 pack. That means, Holidays? Tough Luck!!!! Birthday? NO CAKE FOR YOU! I think the one thing I may indulge in is a dirty martini from time to time. My co-worker and I enjoy a drink after work on occasion and its nice to do.

I absolutely CANNOT let myself down this time. I am so focused on this its ridiculous. My mind, is consumed. While I'm working, doing my drawings, in the back of my head, the gym is in clear sight. Ever visible to me. Almost on the dot, my mouse will hit the task bar and it will be two hours since i last ate. I am following my diet to the T! I showed my trainer my food journal after the first week. Her response was "I wish all my clients did this."

I may seem obsessed, I may seem to into it- bordering on the dangerous side. But for my focus, and for the security that I WILL succeed, I cant be any less committed. It's go time. This is it!

You know what I've noticed? You go on Youtube, and search for "body transformation"... Do you see any female body transformations? I havent, at least, they are all GUYS! You see girls with ripped abs, but you dont know what they were like before. Jillian Michaels is known for being overweight as a youngster, I want to see the transition. Girls need a lil hope too! That video will come at the end my friends :)

Interim Post

I know i said i was only going to update once a week with photos. And my plan is to make this blog known once I have reached my goal... Whatever goal that is. But I felt this would be a fun lil thing to read.

HOLY CRAP! It's only been 2.5wks since I changed my life style and eating habits. Right now, im so pumped up, excited, happy, and i cant wait to get to the gym tonight. It turns me on, gets me high, makes me feel like i can jump up and touch the sky! Oh god.

YOU ALL NEED TO GET UP OFF YOUR BUTTS AND GO TO THE GYM!!!! Watch the news there! Wow. Bye bye bad foods, bye bye laziness, hello good eatin and happiness! I'll say it now, if you turn to a tub of ice cream for depression, turn to an elliptical. The benefits far outreach that of the choco ice cream!

I'm tingling. I'm alert. I'm awake. Each and every day from here on out will be great.

I call myself a gamer. I have no desire to play them anymore. I want to be active. When i have time off, i think about a bike ride, getting in good enough shape to go on a hike, running thru a park.

Honestly, this is the only band wagon that you are really actually cool, to hop on. So, you better jump on quick. Cause im leavin!!